Do Good Girls Finish Last?

You're his "BFF", take care of him, cook, clean, listen to his problems, you got his back...and you got everything, but the ring.

A lot of women pride themselves on being the "good girl", she's pretty, smart, cool, she never complains and she's loyal above all. Most guys think, she's not going anywhere, which because she's a good girl she likely won't. Good girls are a modern day mans perfect woman, especially those that just aren't ready to take the leap of going all the way and making an honest women out of her. They get all of the benefits of having a wife, without actually having to go through it. Now, the good girl isn't the victim, she just does what her heart tells here, she thinks that if she's a good woman, she'll reap the rewards of having a faithful,caring man who will appreciate what he has and want to make her his wife...and the "good girl" act will pay off...right? Those of us who are good girls knows that it doesn't necessarily work this way. Now getting a ring is not the ultimate goal here, but the question is what do "good girls" get out of being....good?

One thing I've learned about men, is that they always keep their options open until they decide to get married. And if you're lucky, that's when they'll hang up their player card, stop looking to get their egos fed and settle into being a one woman man....forever. Now women, and not all women, but the good girls, get that one guy and latch on like a leech, perfection is key here, because they're playing all of their cards right like they're auditioning for a role in a million dollar movie. They close their options as soon as he says "I Love You". A sexy ass model could walk pass them butt naked and they wouldn't even flinch, their eyes would be fixated on their man, assuring him that he's the only one for her. Like anything in life, relationships take their course...you have those guys that realize earlier on, like within a few months that they have a good girl and that comes once in a lifetime, he totally converts to being a good boy, and genuinely knows that he's hit the jack pot. Now the good girl has her good boy and they live happily ever after. This is rare...because there is no test without a testimony, every relationship has its problems, and most of the time the good girl is left with trying to figure out what shes missed out on while being good. I honestly think that men are afraid to really settle down because they think there's always something better, like when the newest Iphone comes out, its the same as the old one, but its the "new version" with a few upgrades. So why not try it out, right? Now, there's nothing wrong with guys thinking this way, however what stops women from doing the same thing?

If you're a good girl, you're a limited commodity, trust me. If you got the looks, brains, personality, etc...you're in high demand, but what's makes you special is the fact that you're loyal, a man never has to feel insecure or like he's in competition for you, because he knows....I got her, she's not going any where. What I am certain about is that men like challenges, they like to compete, if somethings too easy, they loose interest. So what good girls need to arm themselves with is the game that keeps guys on their toes. Most good girls finish last because they say "I don't have time for games" What they don't realize is that the games are being played with or without them, and if they're not on board they're certainly going to loose.

Now, I am by no means perfect, at all. But, I am a self proclaimed good girl, I'm loyal, have never seriously dated more than one guy at a time, have always been a friend first to the guys I've dated and stood by their side when they needed me. But when it's all over, why do I feel like I've lost? and when the next one comes along I'm the same good girl, and find myself in the losers circle yet again? Now I'm not saying to be a bad girl, I feel like you should never compromise who you are for anything, however I think that good girls need to step up their game a bit, hell they need to get in the game and get as much as they put in, and the only way to do this is to try doing a few things differently.

1. Get you a starting line up.
I've never been big on dating more than one guy at a time. Mainly because I'm very picky and it takes a guy to have that "it" factor for me to even be somewhat interested. However, when you're a good girl and you meet a guy you like, you drop everyone and everything to give him your undivided attention. Stop, right there. Take a note from the guys. Guys always keep a roster, backup plans. They got that one girl who's their "girl", but they don't drop anyone. They do just enough to keep them around on an "as needed" basis. So, good girls, most of us probably don't have a team lined up, because we go from one serious relationship to the next and never really take time out to date. So what this means is, once you get your guy, don't automatically turn on your "I got a man face", be open to making friends. Be open and let them know that they're just friends, but allow yourself to be distracted a little. Let your guy know that there are others watching and waiting for him to slip up. To maintain your good girl status, nothing will ever happen with these friends, a few phone calls or texts here and there is fine, but that's the extent. Most guys can spot a good girl a mile away, so the friends will stay at arms reach waiting to slide on in. In the meantime you're still loyal to your guy, but you're not allowing yourself to get wrapped up in him to the point where you lose yourself.

2. Don't shack up!
Everything's going perfectly in your relationship, you want to spend every second together, so you decide that maybe you should move in together....Don't do it, I repeat, don't do it. You're probably already doing all of the "wifey" things, so now moving in together will seal the deal. As long as he's getting everything out of having a wife without the ring, what's his incentive to buying one? Living apart, gives him a chance to miss you, and another reason to want to make you his wife, so he can have the pleasure of waking up to you every morning. That's something only a life partner should get, not a boyfriend, sorry.

3. Always keep your cool.
Good girls can sometimes be passionate about things, we allow things to get us worked up and upset, mainly because we know we've put our heart and souls into something, and when you don't get that back, or when it's taken for granted, we spazz out!When you feel yourself getting worked up or unappreciated, stop, breathe and fall back. Keep it cool, things will play out the way they're supposed to, you getting worked up won't solve anything. Keep your cool, if anything, this will catch him off guard. In the end he'll end up checking himself, because you won't have an argument for him. He'll remind himself how amazing and cool you are and get his act together. In the meantime, call one of your "friends" in your lineup for some random conversation to make you feel better :-)

4. Know when its time to let go!
This is key! Good girls give so much "benefit of the doubt" that we end up living a lie. We all have our breaking points, and leaving is not easy. We can't take a lot of bull, but sometimes it takes that one thing that does it for us. I always tell my friends, don't try to leave if you're not ready, because you'll end up going back and beating yourself up about it. Now I'm not saying to be a doormat, but when it's time to go, and you're REALLY done, you'll know. Some guys are worth holding on to, you go through tough times together, but he makes it very clear to you, by his actions that you're the one and he's going to do everything in his power to make you happy. Other guys, well they'll show you who they REALLY are in due time. Spending five years with someone and you're still battling trust, loyalty, the way they feel about you, etc...is a waste. By year 2 all of that should be worked out, if not, its time to go.

Good girls mostly think with our hearts and not our heads. We don't strategize, plan our next move, or analyze our opponents and their motives. We live in the moment, we look and live for signs of love, we have it all set out in our minds how we'd like things to be, we get hurt, we bounce back, and we love again, and again and again. After loving so many times and you're left with the same results you have to consider that maybe its not them, its you. You're not on an even playing field when the guy is doing all of the above and you are...well, waiting. Be a good girl, but be open, be cool, be independent but know how to let go when its appropriate, and know when to count your losses, pack it up and move on. There's only one way to play the game, they're playing it, why aren't we? Be a good girl to a good man, who deserves it, save it for him, trust me, it'll be worth it.

Mommy CEO - What You're Worth Part II

For a woman, giving birth is a major life changing event. In addition to having to wobble around on water balloon ankles for 10 months and watching your body do the "exorcist", being a working mom only adds to your challenges. 6 weeks in and you're shoving your baby into the arms of a stranger so you can clock in and sit behind a desk for eight plus hours...

Option one, you get 6 weeks of paid time off for maternity leave, but wait...you have to use up all of your sick and vacation days first (we know when you get back you may still feel like your uterus is falling out, but hey you can sit the whole day and work)...feel free to stay off longer if you like, we'll even give you up to three months off! But get this, we're not going to pay you for that. We know you just had a baby, and the costs of raising a child and childcare is likely to be double your salary, but hey if you want to spend more time with the little person over there who relies on you to live, then by all means exercise your options...

This is what most working moms in 2011 are left with. Most of whom are surprised and caught off guard with their employers work/life and maternity policy, because it's not something they thought about when accepting the position. I sure didn't. After having my little one, I was back to work when he was only 6 weeks old. In addition to being a new mom who was nervous about everything, I had to stomach the anxiety of leaving my 6 week old with strangers for 8-10 hrs a day, while I went back to work. Luckily I had family that helped me out and kept him so the blow wouldn't be as hard. But as the days and weeks back at work went on. I got more and more angry about the blatant insensitivity my employer had for working mothers. Not only is the maternity leave package unacceptable, but there are no work-life incentives, or child care support on site. There are no salary kick backs to help out with costs associated for childcare and most departments offer no flexibility with work schedules. The typical distribution of time for a working mom is that we our children will spend up to 12 hours/day in childcare and 8 hours sleeping at night, that leaves us with a whopping 4 hours a day to indulge in the joys of motherhood!

Option two...because we love options, is to leave your job and career and become a stay at home mom. This would be great, right. Screw the four years in undergrad, 3 yrs in grad school, countless jobs and internships and hours you put in to get where you are, oh and let;s not forget the hundred/thousands of dollars in school loans you've accumulated exercising your right to an education. Let's not forget to mention if you opt for this option you may as well sell the home you live in, because you won't be able to afford in, and yeah trade your car in too while you're at it. With this option you are not only diminishing the quality of life for you and your child, but you are selling yourself and your child short and not leading by example showing your child that hard work can reap some rewards. Look on the bright side, with this option, you will be eligible for a link card, WIC and hey probably even section 8! If you are one of those mothers that have the option and luxury to be a Stay at Home mom and not have to sacrifice financially then you are one of the blessed ones. The time mothers get to bond with their child is precious. I often get depressed when I have to rush in one or two coos and tickles to my baby in the morning as we're rushing out the door. To only have those few seconds to see him smile is unfair.

So, now what. I ask myself what do I need to do to change my situation? I can bitch and moan about it and miss 125,896 more hours of smiling with my little one, or develop a plan to improve my situation. If you're like me, a working mom and you NEED more smiles and time with you baby, here are some things I came up with:

- Meet with your boss and have him acknowledge the addition to your family and life. No need to go into detail or get too personal, but propose to him that you'd like him/her to consider some work-life balance options given your new 'situation". Perhaps you'd like to work from home one day a week, or work a shorter week with longer hours, or when you have to work weekends to be able to take a day off during the week in its place. Whatever you feel like is going to make your situation better. Give your boss some time to think about it, make sure you also give them more than one option so they don't feel trapped, one may work better for the organization than the other. If you don't get a response in a few weeks, then revisit it with them. If you don't get through to them present your case to your HR department with a plan on how your proposal will enable you to continue to provide the level of service expected.

- Find another gig! Research companies that have good work-life balance options and apply.

- Become a mommy CEO! What better time than now to become your own boss, set your own work-life balances! dust that business plan off and submit it, what's the worse that can happen. Being your own boss will enable you to create your own schedule and spend as much time with your child as you like!

Being a mommy CEO or working mommy is not easy, and being a Single working mommy is even more difficult. do you all know how incredible women are? Carrying a child, giving birth, and working 40 plus hours a week and raising a child on her own...that's invaluable and should not be taken for granted. It's hard! Ask them! It is the twenty first century and more women are still forging ahead in their careers and playing the role of Superwoman with smiles on their faces. You can indeed be a CEO and a phenomenal money, you just have to demand the means to be providing with the resources and flexibility to do so!

It's Saturday morning and my 6th day at work, as I sit here and write this I am thinking of all of the other things I could be doing....with my little silly billy. But instead I'm sitting in my office, behind the desk working overtime and not getting paid for it because I'm on salary...No worries,I did not come this far to be complacent, I will find a way to make things work for me and my little one....as we mommies always do - making a way out of no way, right?

What Are You Worth?

It's amazing how it can take half of your life for you realize your worth...As women we give so much of ourselves and seldomly ever get the equivalent back in return. We bend over backwards in our relationships, play wifey before the ring, play house before...the house, play best friend before the trust...In our careers we come in early, stay late, take on more than we get paid for...We raise our children alone, give them the clothes off of our backs, last penny, last bite to eat...Yet despite it all, we somehow come out smiling. We demand with no compromise that those we love are taken care of, that we do just enough to survive and make it through to tomorrow. But what we fail to do is demand with no compromise our worth...

If you could ask for an receive anything in the world as a contribution to your worth, what would it be...a certain amount of money, car, house, soul mate, promotion...what. Or is there even a material thing that could even measure what you're worth. Ladies, have you ever been with a man who's said to you....you've given enough of yourself to everyone else, its your turn...quit your job, move to "random city", and pick out your house...I'll pay off your debt and you and your child will be taken care of...what about being offered a sweet job where a position was created for you, paid you double, allows you to work from home 2 days a week with the summers off...Imagine that. Most of use would not even be open to receiving anything like this, because we have not even allowed ourselves the opportunity to be worth anything more than what and who we are in that moment. Its not about the money, or career, etc... But it's more about the acknowledgment, intention and action behind it.

Relationships
You'd love him sitting in a dirt hole on the side of a highway with no reservations. He may not be your ideal, but you compromise because no ones perfect right? Notice I say compromise and not settle, because we're all works in progress...yes men are too! It's one thing though to allow them the space to grow, but it's another thing to loose yourself inside of who you want them to be. As novices to what a real relationship looks like, women we fall in love and give everything....from our loyalty and undivided attention to our eggs and ovaries...and after the dust has settled you count your losses and take what you thought would produce your fairy tale, dust yourself off and you're back on the wagon again. Then ask yourself, did you get what you were worth in that relationship? did you even go into the relationship knowing what you were worth? How can we expect a man to treat us how we think we deserve to be treated and we don't even know what we're worth? Are you worth a genuine friendship? a trusting relationship? Are you worth someone working their ass of to be in a position where they can provide for you emotionally and physically, are you worth having someones full attention? are you worth listening to with an open mind and eager ear? what about being worth acknowledging your fairy tale and not only saying you'll make it come true but doing so? One of my favorite lines from a movie is "Baby all you have to do is wake up in the morning and I'll take it from there" (Madea's Diary of a Mad Black Women. That right there is what you're worth, did you know that?

It's not until we've had our share of bad relationships and good one that we not only realize but be open enough to accept our worth. It doesn't take a man or anyone else to show you your worth, it's something you discover over the years. It's sad that for some of us it takes a lot of heart ache, baggage, and NAS rampages to find it, but rest assure you will. We will all reach different levels and layers of our worth being revealed to us. For me I am just starting to unwrap pieces of what that looks like. Today at this moment I am certain that I am worth peace...simply stated,which I compare to the feeling you get sitting by the water, perfect scenery, perfect background song, that moment where you just take it all in and smile for no reason. right now, today I know that I am worth peace when it comes to my relationships. I'm not talking about the drama free, he's acting right peace, but the kind of peace where you allow yourself to be unaffected...I'm not saying that you don't feel anything or get hurt, but you no longer give anyone else that power over you. Lol, for those of you who have indulged at some point in your life time having a "brown cigarette looking thing..." where you just feel good for no damn reason, and you're not thinking about anything at the moment, and everything is so damn cool. That's the level of peace that I'm worth. I'm sure as I get older I'll discover even more of my worth, baby steps. But days like today where something inspires you to have a revelation, like hearing about the woman who's man said, now its your turn...pick you house, and her accepting that because at 40plus she knew her worth, days like today are groundbreaking.

What you're worth at work... (to be continued)

Here I am...

Yet another morning of waking up at 5am, still tired, drained, no expectations for how my day would go...Settling into it being "just another day". just like yesterday, once again I felt the pressures of adjusting, fighting the perpetual feeling of anxiousness and worry of not knowing what happens next...I try to fight my controlling nature and settle into just letting things be. I spend the first ten minutes of my morning indulging in this mindless mess...and then I open my eyes and look over at him, sleeping peacefully and my mind starts to settle. I begin to fall into such a peaceful place and am reminded of what I have to wake up to everyday. Someone I always knew I wanted, but never knew I needed...My Kendall.

While I realize that life is still happening around me, I don't apologize for being so wrapped up and consumed with him...how could you not be? Mama Kendall, is what my Kenyan colleague called me today...what does that mean I asked him..."In Kenya, when someone become a mother, they're no longer called by their name, they've achieved a higher status and level of respect and receive the name of their child, mother of..." Well, despite what the Kenyans say, I still think its crazy that I am someone's mother. I never really understood how much my mother loves me until I had a child of my own.

I find myself throwing internal tantrums, because I feel like the ideal life I'd crafted for him is still a work in progress or may not even come to fruition like most things in life. What offers me some relief is that he doesn't yet have any expectations of me. Yesterday he smiled at me for the first time and the weight of "where I am..." was lifted and I settled into what was most important...me loving him, unconditionally, being there for him everyday, not missing a moment. Making him happy makes the sleepless nights, countless bottles and diaper changes, trips to the doctor, hours at work missing him, lack of a social life, baby weight gain, worrying, anxiousness, trips up three flights of stairs with him, a car seat, two gallons of baby water, diaper bag and purse so worth it.

A friend recently asked my why i

t had been so long since I'd written anything...I told her I hadn't been inspired...well I guess I now have a new inspiration, My Kendall.