Becasue she says so....

I look at her hands...her face...her eyes, and I see me - The woman I've become. I know what she's thinking and what she wants to say, just by the expresions on her face - I see when she's afraid, sad, happy, at peace.

This woman who worried so much about me, still worries and asks if I'm ok...If I'd eaten, stares at me and what I have on to make sure I'm dressed warm enough. She always had my heart, but now it's more evident than ever, than my life is nothing without her. She was there through every major moment in my life...and all I can think to myself is how much I want her around for my wedding, my baby and their milestones. I need her around...I see the worry in her eyes, she's scared, but worried about how my sister and I are doing, she talks the nurses ears off about her babies, her daughters - I see how much she loves us and admire her for how she still continues to be a mother from her hospital bed. How do you comfort your mother and tell her that everything is going to be ok, when you see the worry in her eyes...It is going to be ok, and we stay strong, my sister and I, because that's the kind of women she raised. No matter what, she'd say to us, stay strong, take care of each other...My sister and I have a way of doing that...although I've always been the independent one, she's still my big sister who would cut a b$tch in a second for me.

Mothers day is tomorrow and it doesnt feel the same, because the past month or so has been my mothers days....I spend my days worrying about her, the same way I know she's worried about me for 28 years, and just as she thought to herself about me...she'll be ok. I lean over the bed and she looks at me and touches my face...my cheeks...lips....neck and I feel how much she loves me - -she shakes her head as if she's saying, we'll be ok...and because my mother says so...I know - we will.

That Must Be Liberating...

Ever catch yourself crying or so upset or frustrated about something...or stressing about something that completely takes you outside of who you are...Sometimes, the next day we look back and not even remember what we were obsessing about. Sometimes I get taken back to trying to control everything and overthinking things. The older I've gotten I've learned how to filter out what's important to me and what doesn't deserve my energy. These days the preservation of my energy is really a focus. There's so much power in how you use is, or fail to use it. Undirected or wasted energy is so draining~and energy focused in the right places, just feels right. For me a balanced mind, heart, body and soul is what keeps me grounded. Most of the times all of those things aren't always in sink and its evident in my energy.

I started to think today, if there's ever been a time in my life where I've felt completely liberated? I'm talking about feeling free, happy for no specific reason, when your heart is smiling, your body feel undescribable sensations and your soul is fed? I've had moments, but I've never really felt completely liberated. Sometimes those moments feel so good that you don't ever want to lose them, but they come and go so randomly outside of your control that you can't pinpoint where they came from or how to get them back.

In my career I feel liberated when my hard work is noticed, or when new opportunities arise or when I'm inspired to push beyond my limits. In love, I'm liberated when I don't have to ask for anything and all of my needs are met, when time stands still and nothing else even matters. My body is liberated when I feel sexy, unrestrained, after a good workout when all the right places ache and feel good at the same time. And my soul, my soul is liberated when life happens organically, without me trying to control it and God happens.

When all of those things come together, life is easy.

These days I'm so much more conscientious when I'm inside of these moments than when I'm out of them, I hold on to what I feel so I can remember that feeling when its come. My goal in life is for those moments to last forever. While I know its something i cant control, I am certain that if I focus my energy in the right directions, at the right people, right circumstances - my liberation will last a lifetime.

Ain't nothing wrong with dreaming...(Erykah Badu, Next Lifetime)

While Erykah was referring to love in her "Next Lifetime" song, whenever I hear those lyrics I think of a fresh minded young woman ten years ago, that had never heard of impossible. Now when I look back on the things I've accomplished, by God's grace of course, I'm smittened by my tenatiousness and determiniation.

As we get older our dreams become few and far in between. We stand in our own way, debating why it couldn't work rather than figuring out what will make it work. There's nothing sweeter than seeing someone accomplish their dreams, it makes my heart smile, because I know what it feels like.

Now years later, we find ourselves stuck in the monotony of complacency and contenment and living to work and working to eat, but not living to...well, LIVE. What's life without dreams, something to aspire to? I'm intrigued watching friends and family clamour and stress over their careers and finiding jobs, when the reality is, once you find it, is it really what you want to be doing, what you're supposed to be doing? A dream does not have to neccesarily be tied to your career, but nowadays society is so wrapped up in money that it often goes hand and hand.

A dream can be taking off for a year and traveling the world...starting your own business doing something you absolutuely love no matter how silly it may be...pursuing a professional sport or acting or dancing...the sweet things about dreams are that they can be anything you want them to be.

Sometimes I lye awake at night, trying to remember when exactly I stopped dreaming. Maybe it was somewhere between working full time and pursuing my masters degree or searching for my ideal job...or digging my way out of debt, or being so caught up in just trying to get by.

As I watch the email icon pop up on my computer at work and take this call that's coming through and contemplate on whether or not I can make it through one more day of work, I can say that by taking these 5 minutes out of my day to write this, I'm that much more closer to realizing my dreams, whatever they may be. They say speaking things into existence is the best way to seeing them through to coming true. My dreams include: Having a full-time work from anywhere in the world career, spending a quarter or the year in different parts of the world, doing something in philanthropy that helps women and girls realize their worth, becoming a business women, and sharing all of this with the man of my dreams and children (all God Willing)

Sweet dreams people.

~T

Stuck

The Pursuit of Happiness for me has a strong correlation with my career, or lack there of. I've worked hard over the past 7 years, capitalizing on my strengths and carving out what I guess is supposed to be considered a career. What is a career? A job that you specialize in and build your professional life around? All that's cool, but what I find lacking is the passion and purpose. Is there a such thing as having a career that you're passionate about, that you wake up in the morning and you can't wait to get to, that offers you just as many challenges and triumphs? That gives you some purpose...well not just professionally, but in life. I always say the best job/career is one where you never feel like you're at work. Imagine the times in your life where you were the happiest, where you felt like you were learning something and were challenged, where you were apart of establishing or contributing to its growth...what were you doing?

That's how I believe we get to our Passion/Purpose filled careers. I can't imagine living the rest of my life not loving what I do everyday. Most of us spend over 2000 hours a year working....with all of this time in your life spent working, you have to be happy!

We either has to find passion in what we're doing or do something we are passionate about. We are all where we are because God has led us there, make sense of that and move forward accordingly.

Love is here...

I used to believe in love like I believed in the Tooth Fair or Santa Claus. Like it was this imaginary things, that as long as I you believed in it, it existed. Over the past few years, I'd taught myself to not believe any more. Lifes' circumstances caused me to run away from it, instead of embracing it. There are varying levels of love; there are generic versions of it...where it sounds good to say it, but whats behind it is not really genuine. Then there's that love that's expressed and felt without words, you just feel it and attract it, because you live it. I'd thought I'd mastered the first version. Thought that if I avoided it and tried not to feel it, then my heart would be protected. While I knew that this would make me feel like something was missing in my life, I'd be ok - it was better than being/feeling hurt, right?

One night I was out having a drink with a friend and this guy started talking to me. In between the drunken jibberish, the obviously intelligent young and drunk professor said something to me...he asked me my name...and I replied - Tanisha, he said ahhh, you know what your name means right? and I replied, No. He said your name means..."Love is here". Really? I replied. Now while I couldn't totally taken this as a drunken pick-up line , there was some sincerity in what he said and I believed him. Sometimes, a stranger can say the most irrelevant thing to you and it can actually be God speaking through them. Now, while after much research I didn't find anything confirming his claim...but something about what he said spoke to me.

Love IS here, and while we all go through certain things that have us doubt it's existence. Like Santa Claus it still represents something more than just being a word. After that day, my heart opened up again for the first time in a few years, and I'm slowly remembering that Love is a part of who I am. The innate sense that I have to want people to be cared for is something that's a aprt of me...it's love.

Love is finding its way back into my life...and I'm ready for it~

Energy...

Today, I am restoring my energy. It's amazing how you can walk into a blessed filled day and then the next minute something can completely destroy your energy. My energy dictates my way of being, I've surrounded myself with people and situations that contribute to maintaining a balanced energy. It puts me in a place where I just feel good. Having a balanced and blessed energy is important to me. So I spent much of last night praying and trying to restore, realizing that it may take days, but confident that the I'd get there.